America, It's about time we ditch the toilet paper.

Howdy pardner, welcome to the Freedom Fountain Bidet!

If you're tired of them fancy-pants bidets with their foreign words and weak water streams, then you've come to the right place. Our American-made bidet is the rootinest, tootinest, ass-blasting butt cleaner around!

We don't take kindly to no French words 'round here, 'cause we all know they're a bunch of surrender monkeys. Our bidet is designed to give you a powerful stream of water that'll knock the dirt right off your backside. Plus, it's got all sorts of fancy settings so you can adjust the temperature and pressure to your liking.

We know that everybody's got different needs, so we made sure to include a bunch of different nozzle positions and angles to get you squeaky clean. And don't worry about installation, partner - it's as easy as shootin' fish in a barrel!

At Freedom Fountain, we believe that everyone deserves a butt-cleaning experience that'll make 'em feel like a million bucks. So what are you waitin' for? Try out our bidet that is tough as boots, fast as lightning, and hits like a ton of bricks. You'll feel the freedom of having a truly pristine behind! Yeehaw!

What is a bidet?

Like many American things, the word, bidet, is French. It means, literally, small horse. I am not kidding. I guess because you straddle it?

But, like the French, bidets don't win wars, but they do win the battle of the bathroom.

Anyway, what is it? It's for cleaning your underneath parts after you've done your patriotic duty. There are many types of bidet, but they all involve you either flicking a switch, turning a nob, or pulling a trigger and blasting your ass with a fresh column of water like a 1994 super soaker. Like God intended.

Why use a bidet?

It beats the hell out of wiping!

Seriously, if poop was on your hands, would you wipe it off with paper and go about your day? Hell no! You need to wash and scrub your nubs to clear off the nasty bacteria.

Plus, while you're busy ass blastin', you're using less toilet paper, which is good for your fragile 200 year old plumbing system, and the environment (If you're into that sort of thing).

Now, it's not often that I find myself advocating for environmentalist causes. However, when it comes to using bidets, even I can admit that there are some significant environmental benefits to be had.

For starters, bidets cut down on paper waste. As we all know, using toilet paper can be incredibly wasteful. Not only does it require a significant amount of trees to produce, but it also contributes to our ever-growing landfill problem. Bidets, on the other hand, use water to clean our backsides, which means that we don't need to use nearly as much toilet paper as we would otherwise. In fact, some bidet users report using little to no toilet paper at all!

But that's not the only environmental benefit of using a bidet. Bidets also cut down on the amount of "fat bergs" in our sewer systems. Fatbergs are massive blobs of congealed fat, oil, and grease that clog up our sewer systems. They're a significant problem in many cities around the world and are incredibly expensive to remove. By using a bidet, we can cut down on the amount of toilet paper we use, which means that there's less waste going into our sewer systems in the first place.

As an American, I'm proud to say that there are plenty of American-made bidets on the market that are just as effective as their French counterparts. In fact, I'd argue that using an American-made bidet is even more environmentally friendly than using a French one. After all, when we buy American-made products, we're supporting American workers and American businesses. We're keeping our money in our own economy, which is a good thing for everyone involved.

So, even though it may be hard for me to admit it, there are some significant environmental benefits to using a bidet. And, I'm proud to say that there are plenty of American-made bidets available that can help us cut down on waste and protect our environment.

Where can I buy one?

What am I, your mother?

If you're lookin' for a classic bidet that's tougher than a two-dollar steak and cleans you up better than a rainstorm on a dusty trail, then you've come to the right place. The Biffy Classic is the real McCoy, and it's got all the features you need to get your backside cleaner than a whistle.

Here's just a few of the many features you'll get with the Biffy Classic:

• Constructed of durable poly-carbonate that'll never rust, so you can count on it to last longer than a cow's lifespan.
• A self-cleaning spray nozzle with a hygienic housing that'll keep your behind cleaner than a newborn calf.
• No electricity or special plumbing required, so you can install it quicker than a jackrabbit in a field.
• Universal design that'll fit practically any toilet like a glove.
• Dual anti-siphon valves that protect your water supply, so you can rest easy knowing your bidet's as safe as a bank vault.
• Lab certified to remove 99.8% of bacteria, so you can trust that your bidet's as clean as a whistle.
• But that's not all, folks. The Biffy Classic Bidet Attachment also has a patented spray nozzle design that'll clean you up better than a flock of ducks in a pond. Plus, you're in control of the spray nozzle positioning and pressure with the simple lever design.

And the best part? The Biffy Classic is economical, costing only a fraction of what those fancy-pants free-standing bidets or toilet seat bidets will set you back. Plus, with a one year warranty and a 15-day satisfaction money-back guarantee, you can rest easy knowing your behind's in good hands.

So what are you waitin' for, pardner? Give the Biffy Classic a try and experience the cleanest behind this side of the Mississippi!

🇺🇸 One last thing. GOD BLESS AMERICA 🇺🇸

🇺🇸